The Top 10 Lesbian Vehicular Preferences

Dykes and their cars. Our vehicles are more than just a mode of transportation; more than even a fashion statement — the choices we make about our cars are true lifestyle decisions. The process is a form of self-expression, and largely the reason automakers like Subaru and Mercedes are falling all over themselves to appear in LGBT programming like The L Word. Who’da thought that we’d have so much purchasing power in this day and age? Whether you’re looking for a new ride or just a good laugh, check out our guide to the Top 10 Lesbian Vehicular Preferences.

The Subaru Forester. Yes, I know it’s cliche, but please tell me you don’t know one single lesbian with a Subaru Forester. That’s what I thought. They’re almost as ubiquitous as lesbians named Jen, or, better yet, Jenn. Better gas mileage than real SUVs yet too cool to be a wagon, the Forester is the vehicle of choice for dykes everywhere, from Guatemalan tot-toting Mommas and Mommies to sporty dykes who actually use that Thule roof rack.

The Jeep Grand Cherokee. A few possible reasons exist for the presence of the Grand Cherokee on this list, not the least of which is the theory that the women who now own Jeep Grand Cherokees are the ones who either had — or desperately coveted — Jeep Wranglers ten or fifteen years ago. On-the-go with muscles and perpetual tans, these ladies at 25 couldn’t resist the desire for wind-blown hair and sand in their crevices as they off-roaded to their next adventure. Now about 35-40 years old, they have too many dogs, too many home improvement projects, and may have just plain outgrown the Wrangler, but the Jeep lifestyle still captures their hearts. Also covers dykes with a Jeep Liberty or Jeep Commander.

The Harley Davidson Motorcycle. Dykes on Bikes have a place in Gay Pride Parades for a reason — a girl on a motorcycle is hot. Think Chloe Sevingy in If These Walls Could Talk II.

Hello? Are you still with me? You have a little bit of drool right — yeah, right there, let me go get you a hanky.

Now, then. Even better, and more important for those not as good lookin’ as Chloe, is the fact that a girl on a motorcycle is hot, even when said girl is not hot independently of the bike. Think of the bulldyke who was the grand poobah of the Dykes on Bikes at the last Pride parade you went to.

Oh, that was you? Yeah, uh, sorry about that. Next…

The Hand-Me-Down Honda. This one is for the baby dykes… and for lesbians working in the social justice field. That old Accord that got passed down from your grandpa to your brother to your cousin to you when you were 17? You’re still drivin’ it, aren’tcha? It’s a cruel fact in life that women generally make less money than men, and it’s crueler that the head of a women’s shelter likely makes less than a guy straight out of college. Not ones to wallow in financial sorrow, however, these dykes wear their Xzibit-craving rides like badges of honor, gleefully poking their pens through rust patches when no one’s looking and plastering the tailgate with a collage of witty bumper stickers railing on W and promoting the local NPR station.

The Energy Star Bicycle. For those dykes who have chosen to personally bear the burden of our dependence upon foreign oil and the harming of our environment, our gas caps are off to you. We couldn’t admire more your dedication to zero emissions, save for the flatulence associated with raw food diets, and we are truly grateful for your sacrifice. Just don’t ask me to help you move into your new apartment with my truck and then cuss me out two months later for contributing so to global warming.

The Ford Mustang Convertible. As the obligatory convertible on the list, the Mustang is also a very flexible accessory for expressing a girl’s identity. Its rich muscle car heritage, a la classic films such as Bullitt, makes going somewhere in drag so convincing that other girls will be reaching for that package quicker than you can say “Mr. Bendy.” On the other hand, its retro design makes it trendy enough for lipstick femmes, particularly when one chooses the Windveil Blue Clearcoat Metallic because it matches her favorite Kate Spade handbag. For the girls who truly love to drive, this is also the right pick — still rightfully rear-wheel drive, the ‘Stang packs a powerful punch even at the base model level, and Ford has tamed a lot of the handling quirks inherent in the early models after which this car is styled.

The Volvo S60. Also known as The Corporate Ladder Car (and therefore also applies to BMWs, Audis and Jaguars), we chose a Volvo specifically because it sounds uncannily similar to the name of a certain area of female genitalia. The current S60 is essentially a Mazda 6 for those of you who are looking for a little more “oomph” as you crash through that glass ceiling. Sure, the rest of our community might call you a “sell-out” for donning lipstick and pantyhose even on the hottest days, but they don’t realize that holding positions of power as lesbians does just as much, if not more, for our cause than waving rainbow flags and sporting mullets. Just don’t forget to add the Bluetooth option — time is money, baby.

The Mini Cooper. We’ll refrain from stealing all of our ideas from The L Word (the Chrysler 300? Really?), but the Mini Cooper definitely deserves its place among the top cars for dykes, all the more thanks to Alice’s manic car chase of Dana. Classic. Sure, you can deny it, but doesn’t just a little part of you want to chase after your ex through the streets of LA? In a Mini Cooper? Especially if she’s as smokin’ as Dana?

The Mini’s famous “go-kart handling” helps bob and weave through traffic as expertly as a flyweight boxer, its new Bluetooth connectivity helping you communicate hands-free with your prey. Order one with optional DVD navigation and get a heads-up as to where your ex might end up should she lose the tail. For all you particularly crazy girls or those of you with exes driving higher-end, sportier cars (don’t feel bad if that’s the case, I’d be chasing her too), try the Mini Cooper S with the John Cooper Works package, or better yet, the Mini Mania Stage III kit. Lots more horsepower and a souped-up suspension will help you keep up.

The Boring, High-Volume Fleet Car. Some girls just don’t really care all that much about cars. Late model Chevy Impalas, Ford Tauruses and Toyota Corollas abound with this crowd, members of which adamantly assert that cars are meant to get us from Point A to Point B — what’s the sense in worrying about what it looks like? This type of car also likely sits, near-abandoned and only fired up when absolutely necessary, out in front of houses occupied by dykes in The Energy Star Bicycle category.

The Honda Ridgeline. Ahhhh, we’ve been waiting years for someone to design a pickup worthy of our U-Hauls and trips to Home Depot! After having been stuck with F-150s for so long, it will sure be nice not to be mistaken for Cousin Ed’s 16-year old son Elmer when cherry-picking wood out in the country for a lesbian-approved bonfire. Of course, you could have left that John Deere hat with the creased bill back at the camp site and actually put a shirt on under those overalls, but we’re not ones to judge. Much. Especially if you’re willing to share the beers on ice you’ve got in the cooler built into the truck bed. Gotta love Honda for that one — it’s like they were thinking of no one other than lesbians and our love of Miller Lite.

So, there you have it, girls! Let’s flex our purchasing power muscles and buy us some new rides!

Written by Erin Mays

Erin Mays is a freelance writer in Ferndale, Michigan, covering automobiles for online publications such as Autoblog.com and Luxist. An avid fan of speedy German cars, she decided to forgo the Mini Cooper S with the Mini Mania Stage III kit in favor of a Tangerine Metallic Honda Element, which her 90 lb. dog Chas much prefers.