NEW YEAR - NEW QUEER (Start by tackling your closet!)

As I lay on my bed yesterday, idly flicking my holiday fat roll and wondering how the heck fudge is made, my wandering gaze landed on the chaotic mess in the corner of the room, otherwise known as my closet. Somehow over the course of the last few hectic months, it has come to resemble a large pipe bomb explosion.

Suddenly, my scattered mental state became clear to me: how can I organize my life when I can’t even organize my closet? It took me five hours and a whole lot of cursing but I managed to not only get through it but also compile a list of Ten Helpful (hopefully) Tips for Organizing Your Closet (and Your Life).

1. Get yer ass in there and do it. I don’t care if you have to put on a Hazmat suit and protective head gear - just do it.

2. Start with the under naughties. Here’s an idea - let’s all say, “NO” to granny panties in 2009, OK? Ask yourself, “If I get in an accident today, do I want the paramedics to see me in these?” If the answer is no, get rid of them. Buy some new panties, bras, sports bras, boxers, etc. New year - new naughties.

3. Whoever said, “One size fits all” lied. I found a leopard print skirt that I bought years ago, still hanging there in the back of the closet, just mocking me. It was too small when I bought it and it’s too small now. I’m never going to lose that last 30 pounds of “water weight” necessary to make that damned skirt fit. On the other hand, if you’re a size 4 and you just know you’ll eventually fit into those size 2 pants again, then, by all means, hold onto them. And when they do fit again, come over to my place so I can kick your sized 2 ass. If it doesn’t fit - get rid of it.

4. No one needs 64 t-shirts with slogans like, “The John Tesh Jesus Refresh Weekend”, “I’m Not Gay but Your Girlfriend Is” or the dreaded, “Visualize Whirled Peas”. They’re not just gay - they’re Ace of Base gay. This might sound wacky but try to pare it back to a comfortable 30 or so. That way, you’ll make room for all the ridiculous slogan t-shirts you’ll get gag-gifted with this year.

5. We all have certain items in our closet that we have absolutely no idea how they got there. In my case, I was probably stinking drunk when I thought the turquoise fringed leather vest was a good idea. In your case, maybe you were impulse shopping or ya know, stoned. My girlfriend has really bad taste in clothing. She has a bright pink, ruffled shirt eerily reminiscent of Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. She looks like a pirate in drag when she wears it. I’m going to sneak into her closet, steal it and give it to the unkempt homeless man on my street who already looks like a pirate. Moral of the story: if it’s ugly - get rid of it.

6. As my friend Sharon (name changed to protect the innocent…her real name is Cyndi) said when I asked why she still had the Working Girl blazer (complete with shoulder pads) in her closet, “It might come back in style!” GAH! It would take a miracle but yes, it might come back in style. Do you really want to wear it again? It looked awful the first time around; rest assured it will look awful the next time around. That is, unless you think “linebacker” is a good look for you. There’s a reason a particular look went out of style and just like your youth - it ain’t coming back. Ever. Get rid of it.

7. I don’t know about you but I have pants in my closet that have been in there so long, dust bunnies made a nest in the crotch. Much like the jeans I can’t bear to get rid of because I was wearing them the day I met Maxwell Caulfield, I got lucky the last time I was wearing those dust bunny pants. That should tell you just how long they’ve been in there. Sometimes we hold onto an item of clothing, long after its use is over, not because we’ll ever wear it again but because we don’t want to let go of the memory associated with it. It’s time to pass along those items to someone who will actually wear them (not just sniff the leg and dream about Maxwell) and make room in the closet for some new memories. Rule of thumb: if you haven’t worn it in 2 years - get rid of it.

8. If you were wearing the same thing in every profile pic in 2008, it’s time to change things up a bit. Pair the shirt with different trousers or replace it altogether with a similar shirt in a different color. Or hey - go nuts and create something completely new and fresh. If every time I see you it looks like you’re wearing the ‘You Uniform’ - it’s time to rethink the Go-To Outfit.

9. It may seem at this point I’m recommending you get rid of everything in your closet and if you’re my friend Sharon, aka Cyndi - I am. But most of us, after clearing out the clutter, will find a lot of things truly worth holding on to. And let’s be honest, who has the money for a new wardrobe these days? So, if something is in good shape, fits well or has way too much sentimental value (a plaid shirt belonging to your Auntie Genevieve, the school teacher, never married but who visited her “friend” who lived 50 miles away every other weekend and who you recently found out is most likely the first lesbian on your mother’s side of the family) - keep it.

10. Don’t throw away the stuff you’re getting rid of. Well, OK, granny panties go in the trash…ewww. Donate your good items to Goodwill, get a receipt and write it off on your taxes. Hey, poor people need your crap now just as much as any other time of the year.

Bottom line, if it doesn’t make your socks roll up and down, if you don’t look at it and think of one reason why it would make you feel good to wear it, then let it go. I found that something as simple as cleaning out my closet made me feel lighter, more organized and ready to tackle the new year. Now if I could only figure out how the heck fudge is made and why it’s so damned addicting, I’d be doing great.

Written by Lane West

Lane West is currently awaiting eviction from her ghetto apartment in Los Angeles where she resides with an exasperated girlfriend, a geriatric beagle and a ridiculously large hat collection. Although she has no degree in fashion, per se, she is an opinionated Leo and therefore, an authority on most anything.